From the moment we women become pregnant, there is a slow transition into motherhood. It is also a transition for men, in the sense that they have now been downgraded in the hierarchy of the family and now their impending newborn has taken over their throne. It creeps up on them and then hits them like a bullet train overnight. All of a sudden, they have now become their wife/partner’s second favorite human.
Who did motherhood change?
I will admit that I never once thought of how motherhood affected my husband at the time. Looking in from the outside I only ever saw that his life didn’t change at all, he went along his merry way, his social life was still thriving, and his way of life wasn’t shaken like mine was. At times, I truly envied the freedom that he still had and how his life was seemingly unaffected by this new little human. It wasn’t until I attended an event recently where the conversation came up with a woman I had just met, about how having a newborn had changed the dynamic of her relationship and her husband wasn’t coping with being second in line to the throne. The attention of his adoring wife was gone because she was preoccupied with motherhood and he no longer recognised his wife. It had me reflecting on my time with my ex-husband and how it affected him, if at all.
It is true that motherhood changes women. The feeling is like you have just discovered this hidden room in your house where you’ve been living all your life. The blueprint for mothering behavior exists in the brain even before a woman has children. For many women, their whole lives center around their children. It is a primal mother’s fierce instinct to do everything that she can to protect her kin, and so the constant worrying and the focus are now transferred to them. The bond you share with your children isn’t just any bond, you are bonded for life, and it’s an unconditional love that not even your husband could ever come in between. I could be in another country and when my son cried, I felt it, I felt the sadness and his longing for me. For breastfeeding mothers like myself, you have a letdown of a sudden flow of breastmilk telling you that your baby needs you, the beauty of nature’s design. The flood of hormones that you get in pregnancy and postpartum is nature’s way of making a mother bond with her baby. And so when the bond is so strong and your main priority is to keep your little miracle alive, it is hard to find the time for your husband/partner.
Life changes
Before I was pregnant, my husband and I did everything together, we were best friends, he was my love. Our time was filled with events, eating out at the most delicious restaurants, partying till all hours of the morning, traveling, our ritual weekly cook up and Mario Party all-nighters with our best friends. Our life was very much carefree. When Ayden came along, we kept up with the lifestyle for the most part and I tried my best to connect with my husband but the things that I had wanted pre-baby had changed. In fact, many things changed, my whole brain rewired and was now operating on a very different level. A change all mothers go through. I did not want to continue with the partying lifestyle, I wanted to spend more time together as a family and just like that, our life paths with each other started to unwind and were now split into two different directions. He did not know how to adjust to the new me, I wanted to keep evolving, and he didn’t. I felt guilty for no longer wanting the life that I had signed up for. He didn’t understand the change and in all honesty, I didn’t see that I had changed, I just knew that I now looked at the world very differently. I wanted a life away from social engagements and out of the public eye, a life that was more meaningful and not surrounded by people who just wanted to engage with you because they wanted something. The small talk became increasingly difficult to endure, I wanted to have meaningful conversations because my time was now precious and I wanted a more fulfilling life, not a superficial one. Our arguments got worse and worse each time, and it ended up being what broke us.
Men are part of the problem and the solution in postpartum recovery
Men perceive parenthood as something that they “do” whereas women on the other hand experience motherhood as something they “are”. I think for men, ultimately it is up to them with how they choose to adjust to this new chapter in their lives. Some may love the new and evolved version of their partner and embrace her strong maternal side. There is a period of adjustment but it is a journey that you decide to take together. Men see their roles as being the “helping” partner whereas they should be “sharing” parenting responsibilities, purely because that is the role society has given them. What some men fail to see is that a sense of normalcy is restored over time. The hormones do start to balance out, the anxiety slowly starts to slip away and her love and attention do make their way back. If men could understand what women are going through, they may be more forgiving in the changes that come with motherhood. Men are a big part of the problem but also a big part of the solution of postpartum recovery. If more men were equipped with the knowledge and the science behind a mother’s postpartum journey, they would be able to find new ways to support their partners, thus creating a more symbiotic and understanding relationship. Men wouldn’t call women “crazy” if they knew exactly why we behave the way we do and that there is a scientific explanation in our biological design for why things are happening the way they are. In many ways, you and your partner are grieving the same person, the woman you were before becoming a mother. Both need to find healing in each other to soften the blow of parenthood.
Change
Men need to take more responsibility in educating themselves on how they can better support and help their partners through this journey of parenthood. More awareness needs to be created for both men and women in understanding the biology of a woman and the many emotional and mental changes that she will go through in motherhood. It is challenging but you can decide to climb this mountain together, learn from each other and find a new discovery in the way that you manage life. Communication, just like in any relationship, is key. Don’t be afraid to speak up and be vulnerable with your partner. The evolution in relationships is changing, it’s time men stepped up to what it means to be a modern man and an equal partner.
